


If I Wasn't There At All

by Lesterlockian



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort Dan, Cuddles, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Depression, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan is real, Phanfiction, Pheels, Sad Phil, Spooning, Worried about future, but also happy Phil, hint hint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5239799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesterlockian/pseuds/Lesterlockian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's struggling through some hard times and talks to Dan about it, little does he know Dan has something to tell him too!</p><p>Fluff, Angst and all the Phan. Hope you enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Wasn't There At All

"Dan...?" Phil called, leaning against the doorway as he watched Dan edit their latest Dil video. The air was crisp with a slight cold chill, the boys were wrapped in warm jumpers as the season approached winter.

"Philly," he muttered back, still concentrating on the video.

"Meow."

"Meow," he returned, spinning slightly on his chair, Phil draped his arms over Dan's shoulders as he stood behind him. The boy saved the file and reached his hands to take the other's, leaning his head back into the chair and letting Phil's presence surround him. "You alright?" He snuggled his head against Phil's arm.

"Yeah, just tired." Replied Phil, a warm silence enclosing the moment, "you know that I love you don't you?"

Dan paused. "Of course I do, are you sure everything's okay?"

"It's fine, I just don't think I tell you that enough. You're my best friend Dan, you're everything to me!"

"Phil," he spinned around to face him, their hands still held tightly together. "You don't have to tell me, I already know." A smile crossed Dan's face when he looked up at him. "You look exhausted."

"I am," he confirmed, letting his eyes close gently.

"Shall I make us some hot chocolate before bed?"

"That'd be great, thank you." Phil pulled his hands away to rub his eyes.

"C'mon then," Dan stood up and pulled the other boy by the hand as they wandered down to the kitchen.

Dan started boiling the kettle whilst Phil took a seat on the side of the counter.

"You almost finished the video?" Phil asked softly.

"Should be done by tomorrow morning." The kettle made a little ding and Dan started to pour the water into their mugs. As he stood stirring the drinks he felt Phil's arms wrap around his waist again.

"Oh good," he yawned before resting his chin on the back of Dan's shoulders. "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

Dan finished and passed a drink up to Phil as he let go of him. "Of course you can!" They both took a sip, the drink warming their bodies from the cold. Phil gave a tired smile to thank Dan as he took his hand again.

Dan's room was softly lit with fairy lights which hung loosely over the bed's head board. The black furniture gave the room a surprisingly relaxed and peaceful feel. Sometimes the bright colours of Phil's room were too much for him if he wasn't in the best mood, but being with Dan always made things better.

Neither of them were too sure what to call their relationship. In theory they acted like a couple, holding hands and sharing a bed were completely natural for them, but they always said that they were just friends. They liked being in each other's company, holding each other. Phil was happy with what they had, he didn't need anything more. Just Dan. His Dan.

They climbed into bed and snuggled under the duvet, shivering at the sudden chill of the fresh blankets against their bodies. Dan lay cuddling Phil from behind so they could share each others warmth. They lay in a calm silence, Dan locking his fingers with Phil's as they talked endlessly about nothing; YouTube, anime, random animal facts Phil had found on the internet.

"Dan, did you know that squirrels can't vomit?"

"That's lovely to know Phil!" He giggled against the back of the boy's neck.

Phil let out a little laugh before turning silent, he fiddled nervously with Dan's hand, shaking slightly.

"Phil, what's wrong?" Dan asked.

"Nothing," he replied in barely a whisper.

"Yes there is, you can tell me."

"Nothing's wrong!" He repeated in a harsher tone.

"Okay, okay!"

Phil pulled his hand away from Dan's grasp and curled over, he buried his face into the pillow.

"Phil, please." Dan could hear Phil's muffled sniffs as he brushed Phil's hair away from his eyes. They were stained bright red from his tears. "Phil!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Hey you don't need to apologise, what's up?" He let Phil hold tightly onto his hand as he steadied his breath to talk.

"I'm just afraid."

"Afraid of what?" He asked.

"That everything's going to change. That we're growing up. We're no longer just teenagers messing around on their camera anymore, we're practically famous. We have a book and a tour, thousands of people expecting things from us. It just feels like time is going too fast."

"Yeah I know, is this what's making you sad? You don't have to keep it up."

"No, no I love this, my job and my life! But I'll be thirty in a couple of years. My parents are expecting me to settle down and start a family, but I don't want to leave all this. I don't want to leave you." He felt tears rim his eyes again as he let out a hushed whimper.

Dan pulled him over so they were facing and hugged him tightly. "Hey it's okay, I'm here right now Phil. No one's expecting anything of you." He cradled him in his arms, letting Phil cry into his shoulder.

"Yes they are! I still feel like a child, not a bloody adult!" He cried, shaking.

Dan carefully stroked his hair to calm him. "It's alright, everything's fine."

"But it's not though is it. People won't care soon enough, they probably don't even care now. They all love Dan, good looking, funny Dan. But what about me? I'm just that guy whose always seen with you, they wouldn't even notice if I just disappeared!"

"No! Don't you dare say that! You've helped so many people, you've read their letters yourself. And YouTube wouldn't be half of what it is today without you, you and your black and white camera. And me, I don't think I'd still exist if I hadn't met you!"

"Dan!" He wiped the tears off his face as he looked up at him.

"But it's true, I hated myself. I just wanted to end it all! But you Phil, you mean so much to me. You've taught me to see the world differently. And yeah, maybe more people seem to notice me but that doesn't make you any less important. You have thousands, millions, of people out there who love you, you wouldn't leave them would you?"   
Phil shook his head and wrapped his arms around Dan's waist to pull them closer together again. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Dan, he'd never told him any of this before.

"How did you get through it? I had no idea!"

Dan closed his eyes as if he was contemplating something. "Well, I- I met you." They caught each others eyes as Dan searched for the right words. "I met you and I finally felt something, I'd had years of just nothing and everything but then we met and I fell in love with you." He felt his cheeks blush a bright shade of red.

Phil looked at him hesitantly, "you mean love love or friendship love?" He asked.

The room went silent as the minutes passed slowly around them. "Yes... love love." He swallowed, instantly regretting his decision to tell him. Then he felt a warm hand cup the side of his face as he met Phil's blue eyes again.

"Thank you, for telling me. I was too scared to ask you anything."

"You guessed then?"

"Well, I always had my suspicions. We're really close anyway but I wasn't sure how you felt about it all. I guess we are practically together!"

A smile danced across Dan's face, "so you feel the same?"

It took a few minutes for Phil to reply but he eventually beamed back at the brunette boy. "Yeah, you're the best thing to happen to me! I guess we were just too awkward to announce it properly!"

They pressed their foreheads together, smiling against each others lips. Phil's voice was soft as he whispered, "so, how long have you felt this way?"

"Since our first video, God you were so hot!"

They shared a small giggle, pulling each other closer. Phil caught Dan's eyes again, a small smirk gliding across his face.

"Oh yeah, I guess I never properly finished that hug." He slowly pressed his lips to Dan's. Their breathes collided together as Dan's fingers tangled through Phil's hair. The kiss was careful yet so meaningful, they had, after all, been waiting years to share this moment.

They gently parted, Dan beamed as he whispered, "I guess we should tell them then, the internet. Maybe just break it slowly through younow?"

Phil gave a cheeky smile, brushing his hand through Dan's hair to correct the fringe gap. "Or, you know, make a tumblr post just saying 'The ship has sailed!'"


End file.
